These Are My Confessions....
Hello, dear friends!
How are you doing? I can't believe that time feels like it is flying by for me. Life has been interesting. I am halfway through my 34th year of life and trying to come to terms with the fascinating truths that I have garnered - specifically in the last year. How has this year been treating you? I feel like 2016-2017 have been pivotal.
Oh, 33!! I was rooting for you (for SUCH DIFFERENT REASONS). I was gloriously anticipating the magic of 33. I viewed it as my "Christ year". I grew up extremely religious, and now have reconnected with understanding Jesus Christ as an Ascended Master to work with. So, in his 33rd year of life he reappeared and did some magical things and kind of redefined human history.
So, my 33rd year - it was supposed to be my moment where things really shifted. And did they EVER. It has been a lesson in humility, acceptance, and also in learning to really bend. I had grown rigid, stuck, and too ego-involved. But like life often does, it checked me. And 2016 was the great re-balancer of who I am meant to be. 2017 has come back in for a few little punches, but for the most part, it has been a reminder in what I had to overcome in 2016.
I have endured destruction almost to the molecular level. Was it easy? No. I felt like everything in my life was on fire and I was in a drought. It has all been kindling. Everything burning away that no longer had room in my life. It is funny how words that fell on empty ears now resounded loudly in my head. I had been forewarned, but in my disbelief decided not to become forearmed, like I should have. Without a safety net, I saw things ripped from my grasp, one by one. It was difficult to see the destruction around me, as I gripped tightly to familiarity. Trying to go with the flow while water was getting into my boat. Refusing to drown, to get wet, or to find a way to swim when life was throwing me into the water; I made a lot of my situations more difficult.
You see, pride is a tough little part of ourselves that we can't always grow past or see through. We say "I can't", when in reality we mean "I won't". My pride kept me in situations that were not beneficial for me. Grasping at air for anything - even when my guides were directing me where I needed to be. I was trying to maintain that I had it all along and all alone. I needed to lean into to my guides and stop forgetting what my purpose is this lifetime and what my soul chose to do - to heal. Not just myself, but to help others also heal themselves.
But it is so scary to admit that. To really say this out loud. To really be raw, real, vulnerable, and open about it. Because life has never shown me a way or a person who was also ready to live out loud like this year has been asking me to. I am talking about surrender in the biggest way. Like drowning, and knowing all of those swim lessons ain't gonna do shit for ya. It's like that, boo. And when you're in it, you just want to go into automatic fight mode. But my beautiful guides had already told me to just let it go - cue Frozen music - LET IT GOOOOOOOO.
I am looking back on this previous year with love, understanding, and also a lot of wisdom garnered from the lessons I endured. You see, this last year was a destructive year.
But in the BEST way possible. And even though, I didn't fucking see it that way until like a few days ago, it was so needed. I was STUCK. I had been stuck for a LONG time. But in my ol' stubborn ass ways, I thought I had it. I was comfortable *gasp* - yes, I know. I sooooo was. And my guides were like - das cute. But c'mon. Shake it off, sister. Time to do weeeeerk. I promise. It was just like that. LOL! No, but seriously. Me in my little human self and life didn't see the WHY because I was stuck on the HOW.
I needed to be literally PUSHED out of where I was in order to remember I have wings to fly. I am meant to be here - not just to experience the glory of my humanness, but to be more than it, because of it. I am here to heal my soul. To work through karmic shit I have been hanging onto. I am here to really be fucking stardust incarnate. And I got caught up in the human shit - bills, job, raising kids, being a spouse, being a person in general - that I drifted far from where I was meant to be.
So the first few things that warmed me up for what 33 was gonna be - was having to have my heart broken by people that I loved. That was my little appetizer to snack on. Things carried on, and then shifted once more. I then lost my stable job of the previous 5 years - a job that provided for me financially and my much needed craving for stability. My husband also had issues with his work - not enough work to go around and having to switch to on-call. We had various illnesses strike us.
But we also had some amazing moments happen. We were able to take a trip to California (for work nonetheless) and got to see the Grand Canyon, Sedona, Las Vegas, and take our daughter to a real beach where the water is clear. We also were able to find out how much we didn't need all the stuff we had accumulated throughout the last few years of our lives together.
We realized that maybe we had it all wrong the last 10 years together. We didn't need to accumulate more stuff, and dive deeper into debt for this precious stuff. We had been overlooking the real important things and what truly mattered to us. Which was to enjoy being a family together, going to incredible places and seeing the magnificent world around us, together as a family.
The things that have brought me comfort materially, now seems so trivial. I feel so foolish to have been distracted by and bamboozled into taking on more unnecessary stuff. Energetically, I have been feeling stuck and scared and suffocating for freedom from the pit I placed myself in.
I admire the minimalist movement, although I am not sure I could dive in completely. I am paring down my life where I can. Cleaning out closets, donating truckloads of unused items. Becoming aware of what I actually purchase and use. And I know it may not be practical for me to go from one extreme to the other. But I do know that I want to be more conscious, aware, and careful about where I spend, what I spend on, and how I spend. I have been letting materialism seep into all areas of my life. So, I am trying to get back to what feels right for me - simplicity, utility, and quality. Not just of items, but overall life.
So, these are some of the defining lessons of the previous year. I hope to move into 35, feeling more free to enjoy life the way it was meant to, relearning simplicity, and freeing up not just my space but my energy of everything tying me down that no longer resonates with me.
How can you use the lessons of 2016 to help you end 2017?
I appreciate you letting me talk about my life and the things I am passionate about. It really has been an eye opening experience to suffer through so much in the last year and have so much growth. It has been messy and hard and scary and beautiful - all at once. And you guys have been here through it all.
- Nancy
